UNTITLED

Movie Madness

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:45:26 GMT

This weekend I watched two movies I had such high hopes for. "Memoires of a Geisha" and "Brokeback Mountain." I was proud because of the spotlight shown on two aspects of my life. The first was being of Asian decent and seeing Asian actors portrayed more than just martial arts experts and extras on *MASH*. Growing up in Camas I never saw my people in an attractive light. I thought "white is right." I so desperately sought validation from people who would never accept me or begin to understand the vastness of my complexities. For so long I've live a life longing for that perfect Abercrombie Honkey that would look into my almond shaped eyes and love me over the round eyed muscular circuit boy. Then I realized that I didn't need validation from them and that I was A&F. Asian and Fabulous. I won't lie, I'm still drawn to toned white pastiness, but the difference is that though I find it attractive I don't want to be it. I saw people in the movie theather marvel at the beauty of an Asian culture. They came to find out more about those who dwell in the orient. The sad thing the movie didn't help them to understand our culture better.

It almost brought me to tears when I walked around the corner and saw the line going all the way down the block and around the corner. I thought to myself these people actually came to see a story about two gay cowboys. Amazing. While I hope that movie breaks not only records but stereotypes it left me feeling sad. In the end he was alone. He lived life worrying so much about what others would think or how they would react. I see myself in him. Those fears held him back so much that he ended up suffering alone. I know that what I'm about to say may seem totally shallow but it makes me angry that he could find love. I mean he was freaking hick cowboy in the middle of B.F.E. and he still found someone that loved.

I mean how unfair is that? He gets to love someone that loves him back while I sit here in Gay Central wondering why I've been dealt this hand. WTF! My pity is party is over. I've come to terms with the possibility that I may never find love again and that I'll die alone. I am open to finding love, but I'm not about to go and beg for it from some smuck that will treat me like some cheap Geisha.

I think people fear being alone as much as they fear dying. I can't help but wonder if I'm faded to be alone just as he was in the end. I guess time will tell. I know I sound bitter. Maybe because I am. I don't know. BLAH

The light isn't too much different from the darkness

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 22:00:19 GMT

Today I sat in Church seeking a light to light my path but as the sun poured through the stained glass windows I looked up and realized that the light blinded my eyes and I could not see. It's funny how both darkness and light have the same effect on the journey we take.

I really hope life is meant for happiness but if its the way we see things then how do we change our vision after so many things have burned our eyes and blinded our vision.

This morning I feel more peaceful. There is something so humbling about going to church. The huge ceilings that make you seem so minuscule and the silence that seems to echo from its walls. It was such a tranquil feeling. I sat in the pew next to my friends praying for peace of mind and happiness. I wonder what they pray for? Are my concerns so different from everyone else?

It made me sad because as much as I detest the hypocrisy of Christianity, I am it. I snickered at fat man and spoke poorly of someone I considered a friend. I'm sorry for being no better than those I despise. I used to be so angry at the why I was cast out by my friends and family back home for being who I am. I judged them because they judged me. I believed that I was more in tune with God because I wasn't filled with hate for others unlike me, but in recent years I've come to hate them as furiously as they hate me. In some twisted manor hating those that hate you causes you to begin to hate yourself. Hate breeds hate. I am letting this hate go in the hopes that it will make me a better person and make you a better person too.

The human body is an amazing thing. It's so complex and multifaceted but the most amazing part of our body is not the vast conglomerate of cells that make up our brain but its our eyes. Eyes convey so much. In one glance they say more than we could hope to say in a breath. They are windows to our soul and they may show you the depth of a person but can just as quickly reflect your own true nature in the reflection that eyes make when they begin to well up with tears.

All my life I've been afraid to look into to other peoples eyes. Some of it I believe stems from my cultural background of Asian humility and blah blah shit, but mainly I think its because I've always been afraid to see myself in others eyes. Today I realized that maybe its time to show people who I am and maybe they'll see who they are in the process.

Last night I looked into your eyes and you took my breath away.

Seeking . . .

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 11:39:52 GMT

I seek clarity in this life. Maybe by putting my thoughts and feelings into words it will give me what I seek so desperately. I start this journal in the hopes that I can better understand myself. The ironic thing is I don't understand myself enough to even put into words the feelings I have.

All my life I've felt that I had a purpose or some higher calling that put me into this time and place into history. Now I begining to wonder if I was wrong or even worse that the higher calling or purpose can only be fulfilled after I leave this Earth.

For over an hour now I've written down words on this page and then deleted them off because they didn't seem right. Back and fourth I write the feelings I have, the doubts, and questions I have swirling in my mind. Then as quickly as I write the words I delete them. It's sad because I think that is my life. Expressing how I feel, then second guessing them, then ignoring. I feel as if the steps I'm taking are taking me closer to the end. I used to know that whatever path I choose in life that the end would come too fast and that I would embrace it wholeheartedly. I guess I feel the end is coming because I only seek darkness and feel it. I feel like the light that used to illuminate my path has burn out and I am stumbling down a path that leads to the cliffs edge and that if I don't find that light I will suffer in two ways.

I will suffer because I will tip toe on the path too slowly to reach my goal fearing what is in front of me. I also fear that I will reach that cliffs edge plummet to nothingness.

It's funny how much my thoughts on the end have changed. When I was young I believe that I would go to heaven. Then when I got older I thought that if there was no heaven it would be okay because nothingness was better than the suffering we face through life, but now I fear the nothingness and pray that there is something better that waits on the other side.

God I pray that I could go back to having so much faith in you. I seek you. I seek answers to why humanity must suffer so much. Most of all I seek peace of mind and love and if I'm not fortunate enough to receive those blessings than I want to know why that some people get to find it and others don't. I have to believe that life is more than just a bunch of variables. If life is like a bunch of variables than its a lot like PLINKO on Price is Right. See when you're born you get placed at the top of the board, your parents end up deciding where to place the chip but the variables lead you to where you end up. You bounce through life and at the end you reach a sum. It could be a jackpot or a 0. I want my life to be a jackpot. I don't know that even made sense but I want the jackpot to be happiness, love, and fulfillment for not only myself but all of those that I love and that love me.

I'm tired of rambling so I'm ending yet another day in my life.